The Surprising Power of Personal Reconciliation
Glenn Waddell
As general counsel, head of enterprise risk, and chief compliance officer, Glenn holds executive-level oversight for all EverSource legal matters. He develops strategic plans, implements and administers policies, and acts as liaison with regulatory authorities.
The Surprising Power of Personal Reconciliation
The farm had been in the family for three generations. BuddyWilliams* had been a good steward of the land and, he thought, of his family. He looked forward to the day when his three adult children stepped into his shoes to manage the farm together or, at the very least, to cooperate with whichever of their siblings stepped up to take on that job. Buddy never tried to force the issue with his children, always believing he had more time for the answer to become evident. They seemed to get along well, and Buddy and his wife Sue had raised them in a Christian home.
Buddy reasonably believed his children shared his love for the family land and his desire to preserve the legacy of their family in the small town where they lived. He had no idea their disagreements would lead to seemingly irreversible relational fractures, years of litigation, and the destruction of his family’s excellent reputation in the community.
The Nightmare
When Buddy passed away unexpectedly in 2000, his wife’s dementia had already progressed to the point that she needed full-time care. The oldest child, Bill, was a rough man, more like Genghis Khan than Florence Nightingale. The middle child, Ann, had seamlessly stepped into the role of primary caregiver and, to some degree, into the management of the household and farm. Buddy’s decision to make Ann the executor of his estate was a shock to Bill, who responded to that news by objecting to virtually every decision she made as executor. Partly in response to the growing animosity between his siblings, the youngest child, Ted, moved out of state and rarely communicated with his family.
Buddy’s will left everything to his wife, who was clearly not competent to manage the household or the farm. On advice of counsel, Ann petitioned the court to be appointed her mother’s guardian and conservator, at which point Bill filed his own competing petition. Bill and Ann’s relationship completely dissolved in a flurry of accusations, counter-accusations, court pleadings and discovery disputes. Ted, safely tucked away in another state, was barraged with phone calls, first from Ann and then from Bill, each demanding he take their side. Though he sympathized with Ann, Ted was not willing to take a position and the conflict escalated.
Faced with competing petitions, the court appointed a respected local attorney as conservator and guardian. But, predictably, Bill and Ann’s raging fight continued and effectively prevented the attorney from fulfilling his role. That attorney resigned in frustration, leading the court to appoint another, and then another person to the role. The conflict among the siblings deteriorated to the point that Bill was arrested for breaking Ann’s thumb in an altercation. Their conflict was a topic of discussion among the locals, and law enforcement officers began flipping a coin to decide who had to respond to the regular calls from the Williams farm.
The Williams family legacy of diligence, good stewardship, and Christian character was rapidly being replaced by a reputation for fighting, malice, and litigiousness. Poor Sue, confused already by dementia, was bewildered by the regular turnover in caregivers and conflict among her children.
The Alternative
After two years of litigation, the judge presiding over the Williams case suggested mediation and even encouraged them to look into a form of mediation known as Christian conciliation. In ordinary mediation, the mediator attempts to guide the parties to a mutually-agreeable resolution to their legal dispute –e.g., damages, ownership of property, etc. While that is also true in Christian mediation, the conciliator also focused upon personal reconciliation, including encouraging the parties to confess offenses and grant forgiveness.
Surprisingly, all parties agreed to participate in Christian mediation. The siblings and the guardian ad litem representing the mother drove several hours –in separate cars –to a mediation scheduled to last two days. As we explained the process and kicked off the mediation, tensions were high and a solution seemed unattainable.
The Breakthrough
Sitting in a large conference room together, the siblings had a chance to explain their story. In a private meeting or “caucus,” we explored areas where each, by their own admission, had wronged the others. Bill, the oldest and a gruff auto mechanic, was the one who agreed to confess his anger and outbursts to his brother and sister and ask for their forgiveness. We reconvened and asked Bill what he wanted to say to Ann and Ted.
Without preamble, Bill acknowledged his issues with anger and simply said “I’m sorry” -before breaking down in tears. Immediately, Ted and Ann rushed around the conference table to embrace him and the room was filled with tears, apologies, expressions of forgiveness and affirmation of love for one another.
It was a small confession, but a huge moment in the lives of the three Williams children. While there was still much relational work to be done, it was the beginning of genuine reconciliation. Before that confession, we were simply not making progress toward a solution of the sticky issues of how to care for their mother and what to do with the family farm. After that reconciliation moment, the siblings were philosophically sitting on the same side of the table, and the material issues were quickly settled. A mediation projected to last two days instead lasted less than a day. And the parties, to the delight of the judge, filed a settlement agreement rather than more contentious motions.
The reconciliation stuck and became well-known in the small community where Buddy and Sue Williams had raised their family. And the Williams family legacy was rescued, but now with the additional ornament of family reconciliation –a testimony to Buddy and Sue’s grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
* Not the real names of the parties.
Glenn Waddell, General Counsel and Chief Compliance Officer for EverSource, heads up the firm’s Family Dynamics & Dispute Resolution Services practice. For the past 30 years, Glenn has practiced law, taught and served in leadership positions for nonprofits, including service as the Southeast Regional Director for Peacemaker Ministries and as an adjunct professor at Cumberland School of Law and Handong International Law School. The consistent thread throughout his career has been a focus on helping individuals and organizations resolve complex disputes and restore relationships.